I don’t think I can do it anymore, guys. I have been livlng a lie. As a gay man with a lot of gay friends, I’d estimate that roughly 30 percent of my conversations are related to Beyoncé in some way. I went to Christmas parties where the only album played was 8 Days of Christmas, I made “poor Michelle” jokes, I even spent a month referring to the Superbowl as “the Beyoncé concert.” But I think I’m finally ready to admit it: I really, really, really just don’t give even the slightest of shits about Beyoncé.
Beyoncé mania is out of control. This .GIF of Beyoncé partially removing a pair of sunglasses has over 4,000 notes. This one-minute video of her getting out of a car has been viewed nearly 40,000 times.
Sure, she’s pretty. And she can sing. But so can everyone else who’s ever made it to the final 20 on American Idol. And nobody gives a shit about them.
Beyond not caring about her, I think I may actually be starting to hate her. She’s relentlessly inoffensive, and boring, and lame. Here’s what annoys me the most about her:
SOMETIMES SHE TRIES TO BE DEEP AND IT’S REALLY AWKWARD
Also, what paint store is she shopping at where she can’t find colors that are beautiful enough to paint Jay-Z?
SHE’S A DANCE PLAGIARIST
SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE CAPITAL LETTERS
“What a proud day foR AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN!!!! Kelly, micHelle, ALicIA, JhuD you are all Beautiful, talented and showed so much clAss! It was an honor to peRfoRm at the SuperbowL wIth you phenomEnal Ladies Love Beyoncé”
SHE KINDA SEEMS LIKE SHE WOULD BE REALLY TERRIBLE TO HANG OUT WITH
Have you ever seen an interview with Beyoncé where she goes longer than ten seconds without talking about being “blessed” or “God’s plan” or some other such schmaltzy nonsense? No, you haven’t, because they don’t exist.
Obviously there’s nothing wrong with being religious (JK), but can you imagine how quickly you’d be eye-rolling your way outta the building if someone you know started talking like that IRL?